Curiosity

One of the hardest things in life is denying the things you feel you are entitled too, or the things you want. We believe that stopping things at the root is the easiest to do because it can only get so much harder when you've already stepped into it, right? And for some, that is. But I believe sometimes it's the hardest to stop things at the root, before the damage is done. Because instead you'll leave yourself wondering the what ifs and what nots until it drives you nuts. The curiosity kills you. It's like telling someone not to think about an old granny in a bikini and all of a sudden that's all you think about. (Did you just have a mental image in your head? Gross huh?) It's the endless possibilities of that situation that drive you crazy, thinking that you're pretty sure what you want wouldn't be good for you, but wondering if it might actually be that one exception. That it might just be the best wrong decision you make. Then again sometimes you get what you want, only to find out it was more than you wanted and more than you could've handled and ultimately, not what you actually wanted at all. And then you go back and think that maybe stopping your wants at the root was the easiest choice, that it wasn't worth the aftermath of the decision. But hey, at least now you know and you won't be wondering anymore.

Porcelain Dolls

When I was a child I was fearless on the playground as i'm sure many of you can relate. I'd ride the dangerous metal merry go round where other kids threw up from going too fast, jump down from high areas, slide down the tree trunks that were actually meant to hold up the structure so that I ended up ripping my spandex sliding down, and dare to skip not just 4 but 5(!!! I was pretty badass as a child no?) bars on the monkey bars which left me on the ground on my back in pain for a good 5 minutes. When I did get hurt I would whine a little, maybe even cry a few tears, but then i'd just get over it and keep playing. For some reason as a kid you feel invincible. Growing up you realize how fallible you actually are. I used to never be afraid of getting hurt. I was a naive young child with a no holds barred thing going on. Nowadays, we have second thoughts going into things, into love and relationships, into people, into career fields, into trying new things, into missions trips, the list could go on. We deny ourselves opportunities and ambition because we're afraid of the unknown. Or maybe we've already experienced the worst of things and don't want to go through it again. We could say that we've just become more mature while weighing out the costs and benefits, but why does it feel like that's just an excuse and we're actually just scared?

What holds us back is pain and failure. Yet if we allow ourselves to look past that, we see that all pain does eventually heal and failures never become failures as long as you don't give up. These all build character and are lessons we learn. With God's love, you will always heal as long as you give it time and you allow yourself too. And with God's grace and love, your identity ultimately lies in Christ and you're not defined by anything else. So why not take risks? I see it as a fair opportunity cost to take if you look at what it is you want to achieve. I think it's well worth it. So I encourage you to find the kid in you and to not be scared to take those risks and live life.

To be honest, i'm not saying I have this completely down either, but what I do know is that I rather live a full life with scars than be a porcelain doll.

The Best Advice

Love yourself. Love the person that God has created you, in all your beauty and flaws. I believe that's one of the most important principles in life that every person should grasp. It's amazing what a little self TLC can do for you. :)

Decisions

Life is made of decisions; some are menial and some can change your life. The tricky thing is that actually almost every decision changes your life in some way. The sad thing is that part of growing up is owning up to every decision you make too. Being human, it is extremely easy to make the wrong decisions. We've all made mistakes in the past and sometimes we find ourselves still paying for those mistakes. But it's okay, it's a part of growing up. Mistakes turn into lessons if we do it right. Striving to be a Godly woman is hard ish and for all I know, simple decisions i've made here and there could possibly add up into something disastrous. I wish I had like like a huge light up warning sign to warn me every time i'd be close to making the wrong choice, it'd make things so much easier. This time I got to keep on making smart decisions. There are so many choices of all different sorts I feel like i'm constantly facing and I gotta be smart about it. Gotta show my parents they raised me right.

"It may be unfair, but what happens in a few days, sometimes even a single day, can change the course of a whole lifetime."

The Kite Runner

Care

Care (verb)

1. to be trouble or concerned; be affected emotionally

2. to have regard, affection, or consideration (for)

It's an interesting concept because it has to do with emotions and anything that has to do with emotions becomes a hell lot more complex. There are things in this world we care about that we d0n't want to care about, and things in this world that we simply do not care enough about; if only care were a tangible, rational matter...

We had our last fellowship on Friday and we held our Senior Well. Some Seniors shared their stories and at the end of the night I realized something. Sometimes people do things that make you look at them differently with annoyance, disappointment or even disgust, etc. or there are people who totally cut themselves from the world and seem to disappear from your life. It's easy to look at the superficial level and cast them away as people who just want to do their own thing, douchebags, disappointments or whatever but there's a deeper root. There are reasons. Although the easiest way to respond is with rebuke and judgement but that's the last thing needed. Instead of telling a person to stop doing whatever they're doing and why it's wrong, it's more important to ask why they are doing whatever they're doing and if they're doing okay. These actions are a cry for care. And since care is rooted from love, they are ultimately a cry for love. How could I not realize it before?? Thinking back on my life, I can clearly recall a couple of instances in my life where I needed someone to just simply care more than the normal amount, but my pride or this emptiness, hurt or whatever mess it was manifested into actions that wouldn't be recognizable for that need.

To be honest, human beings are selfish. We recognize our own needs and care for ourselves above all but that's messed up. The care i'm talking about that we need is extraordinary care. The type of care that doesn't stop at the first time or first rejection. It's like that guy at the bar who doesn't take no and keeps trying (okay perhaps not the best metaphor in this case, haha). The type of care that you go out of your way to show that you are here for them. The type of care that shows you want to be apart of whatever it is they're going through. It is the type of care that comes from God's extraordinary love. People do not heal with rebuke and judgement but with love. I'll be the first to admit that i'm not the best at this because with care comes different types of frustrations, energy, heart, time, patience, and trust in God but having been on both sides i'm starting to understand and i'm trying.

Been listening to this song every morning when I wake up for awhile now

Everybody, everbody wants to love

Everbody, everbody wants to be loved

I want you to know that although I may suck at caring, I do and i'm here for you, just let me know what you need.

Bucket List

I know this must be hard to believe because i'm just so incredibly talented......but there are times in my life where I find myself incapable. Recently my computer got a nasty virus (karma from trying to watch Big Bang Theory instead of studying for my final) so I drove at 3AM to my friends place so he could fix it. At the moment I felt so helpless and frustrated at the fact that I didn't know what to do to fix my infected computer. It's nice to have people help you out and take care of you but sometimes it also makes me feel like a giant baby by default.

I need to be more capable. I mean granted I have a little bit of a height advantage and can grab things from the higher shelves for the vertically challenged or am the spider killer of the apartment because I am a pretty fearless warrior but still. hahaha If you know me fairly well, you'd know I hate being put in a box and being limited, which is why I do things like take massage class or go to the shooting range or am a girly girl but also a tomboy, etc. But my point is that I don't want to be limited in my abilities; I want to know how to do more things for myself, be more independent nawmsayins? So here is a starting Bucket List of things I need to learn.

Bucket List Of Things I Must Learn To Do

1. Learn how to fight crime on the intranetz like trojans, virus and spyware (and perhaps also know the difference between them)

2.How to change oil and a flat tire (this would be badass)

3. Re-learn how to drive stick (will come in handy if I were ever kidnapped by people in a stick car and they somehow leave me unattended, definitely wouldn't want to stall while escaping)

4. How to efficiently punch someone so that it actually hurts (people seem to be unaffected when I hit them, are my knuckles jello or something???)

5. Make cocktails and all the yummy girly drinks (will come in handy if I ever want to become a bartender for cheap thrills)

6. Build a laptop from scratch (if my dad can do it, so can I)

7. Knit a sweater (will come in handy when it gets cold or cheap "sentimental" gifts)

8. Body language to look intimidating (will come in handy to ward off the unwanted)

9. Snap my fingers (will come in handy when I have children or a husband haha jk)

10. Whistle loudly (will come in handy when I want to wolf whistle and holler)

What can I say? I'm a quality girl. hahaha And bright side? I can probably learn all of these thanks to Wikipedia. Internet FTW

And You Are......?

Recently a guy came into my work and asked "Is your name by chance, Tiffany?" I met him like 3 weeks ago and was surprised he remembered my name. I recognized him but I definitely didn't remember his name, not even the first letter. Strategically avoiding addressing him by name, I continued on with some small talk then made an excuse to leave rather than ask him for his name again because I felt too guilty. I came back home and mentioned to Lillian that I found it amazing when people are able to recall names so well. I met him once like 3 weeks ago and he remembered; I would never be able to do that. Sadly she didn't share my amazement and replied "He's good at remembering names and you're horrible at it." The glass shatters.

Damn, she's got me to a T on that one. I used to call one of my roommates old boyfriends Barnyard instead of Brienyard. Another time I asked my other roommate why her mom named her brother Abraham only to be answered that his name was Lincoln. In general, I forget a lot of names the moment I meet them. Sometimes when they introduce them to me, their names don't even reach my ears. It's like i'm just waiting for them to finish their introductions so I can introduce myself rather than hearing them say their names. Aren't introductions just to be polite? Just like some economic courses i've taken, you learn it to just learn it but in real life it's rarely applicable. Most of the time I doubt i'll ever have to use their names again so why even bother remembering it? And it goes both ways cause I don't expect them to remember mine-except sometimes I do see them again and they do remember my name, then a little FML kicks in.

Honestly though? The truth is subconsciously I probably just don't care enough to remember their names. In a way, I'm a bitch about it. Like the guy who came into my work? Although I did feel too bad to ask for his name again, I probably didn't ask because I didn't find it worth the effort since I figured I wouldn't see him again (Epic fail because he came in again the next day). I didn't see the significance in even trying to memorize it. He is one among thousands of people that lives will cross mine for a brief moment. What's the point in remembering all their names? But you know what? It's a biznatch move to make. Just how cocky/stuck up is it of me to think that someone isn't important enough to remember their name?

As part of me growing up and improving myself, i'm going to make some changes starting with this one. I am going to remember everyone's name I meet. So far i've been trying to really listen when they introduce themselves and repeat their names in my head. When I leave, I try to say "It was nice meeting you ______." I remember when I was a freshman in college and feeling special when people remembered my name, especially people older than me. I was just some little insignificant freshman but they knew my name. Even to this day, when people I don't expect to remember my name do, it's huge surprise to me. Remembering someone's name is a great quality to have. It shows care, it's warm and humbling in a way. It's more personal than an "ay girl" or "sup boy." It shows you care and the person is special enough for you to remember who they are. And everyone is special enough for me to remember their name. It's always nice to be remembered. :)

Side note: I like the way people find different ways to call my name or just the way they say my name. It's kind of sweet.

The BBP Problem

Every girl deals with this in the past, present or future. It's called BBP, "Bad Boy Phase"

Why is it that every girl is attracted to the bad boy or the douche bag that they know isn't good for them? Some girls may be attracted to the bad boy because they want to be a "bad girl" but in most cases, it is because they want to change them. The paradox here is the girl is attracted to this bad boy because he isn't the goody two shoes, nice boy but they also want to be the girl who changes him to be that. We want to be that girl. The girl who he sets down his wayward ways for. The girl he changes for. The girl who turns him "good." If you're a girl, you know what i'm talking about to some degree. Maybe we enjoy the challenge. Maybe in some way, we enjoy the thrill of this chase. This is just parallel to how guys want to be the knight in shining armor, the knight who saves the damsel in distress. The hero of the story.

I will be the first to admit that yes, I used to be attracted to the "bad boy" who wasn't good for me. Throughout my high school years, those were the type of guys I liked. C, who was a year older than me and hung out with the "popular, cool guys." He had experience with alcohol, etc, etc since middle school and knew a lot more than me. He would text in the day, call at night and occasionally visit me and walk my dog with me. Or A, who smoked pot every lunch and skipped our 5th period class because of that. He somehow ended up dealing a bit to his friends because he had access to it. Sometimes I'd try and make sure he was on track with school to make sure his grades were decent. We would talk just about every day and a lot of our talks went into the night via phone or AIM. In general, I was never really the one to call, text or AIM first. Since early on, I was never too good at that with all my friends (but i'm much better now!). But I always responded positively because I always believed that both of these guys had a good heart and were good people, and they were. They just lived a different lifestyle that I didn't hold but held a curiosity to. They were good guys and I just wanted to bring it out more. I was a naive, optimistic, Christian girl so it was in my nature to want to influence them to be a better guy. It was also those same reasons I believed which is why they liked talking and being around me because my naiveness, optimism & silly ways were a breath of fresh air and I cared. Yet it was also because I was a naive, optimistic, Christian girl that I still held down my fundamental values, that we never became anything more than friends. Because when it came down to it, I would only date Christians. And the nice boys who liked me, I just saw them as friends.

And then came my freshman year in college where I met M, who was a little bit of both. A Christian boy, emphasis on boy. But that's another story.

In the end, despite that part in us as girls to want to help change these "bad boys," its not our place. We can love, care, influence and hope but it is ultimately up to God and them how their lives play out. Remember the second guy I mentioned, A? He's a really good guy and recently told me he's been thinking about checking out the churches around Irvine and that he might call me up to go with me one of these Sundays. And then he went to Vegas that weekend. One step at a time. haha Not that there's anything wrong with Vegas, haha it's all up to what you do in Vegas really.

These days i've been very inspired by the book "Blue Like Jazz." It's given me a lot to think about and re question myself. I want to bring the best out in people. I want to tap into my full potential. I want to and am capable of being so much more. And there's so much I want to learn about, such as true unconditional love for everyone and the limitations as humans we have. I need some intellectual stimulation. I need someone to ask the hard questions. If anyones down for a good conversation, let's grab some coffee. Someone rock my world please, intellectually speaking. hahaha