Rain, Rain Go Away

This morning I came back from class to this. If you can't read it, it says "caution: slippery floor" Lily's work of course. The rain was CRAZY outside today, trees were knocking over, the usually clean Irvine streets were so dirty, and people's umbrellas were capsizing everywhere which makes me sad :( partly because I am one of those people. le sigh. i'm such a weather baby.

all mixed up

What Can Say More Than A Picture?

Took this picture on my phone while walking to class one day.

I could say some things, but I choose not to as decisions are still mine to be made.

But this picture encompasses all that I feel at this moment.

Tell Tales

Everyone has a tell tale, a sign of what the person is feeling.

Usually it comes in the form of an involuntarily, physical action. The way their left eye twitches or their lips quiver or how they can't look at you in the eye. Each explain an emotion that you can't or rather, don't wish to tell. When people find out your tell tales, it can be a good thing at times but sometimes it can feel like you just gave a secret of yours by accident. Tell tales are the worst in poker.

You know how animals have a 6th sense so that when they sense danger, like an earthquake, they know it's coming and run away to safety. When it comes to me, and I see all the tell tales sign that my friend is getting ready to blow up, instead of running for cover, I like to stay, survive through all the destruction and find out what's going on. I've noticed maybe a year ago that my fault is that when there's a conflict, for some reason I always seem to have the need to play devil's advocate. I always try to get them to see the other side because I see reason in it when in reality sometimes a person just needs be listened to and to have me side with them in everything, despite my opinion. It's part of comforting, it's part of being a good friend. The trick is learning how to discern the situations that call for different things because sometimes your friend needs to hear the truth. And there are the times, that they don't need to at the moment. Cause if I was in some situation where I was really sad or angry, i'd like my friend to back me up rather telling me other things, just to blow off some steam, you know? Some things don't call for rationality just yet. In the end though, the right choices must be made.

It's good to get things written out, it soothes the mind and soul.

Crackberry Whore

So i've joined the blackberry bandwagon last sunday due to the unfortunate death of my voyager on NYE. And yea, i've noticed i've been on my phone a decently increased amount of time. I mean it's only natural since theres instant msging and internet on my phone and with that combination of class......it's bound to happen. But I refuse to be a crackberry whore who's is constantly connected to the network and the world. I don't want to have something on me 24/7 that keeps me connected to the world. It's a bad habit to have to be so dependent on something. I feel so naked without my phone but you know sometimes solitude is refreshing, the idea that you are disconnected from everyone. Unavailable. Unreachable. Alone. It can sound depressing but really, it's liberating.

I mean not saying i'm going to go take a hike a leave my phone at home, because that would be dangerous. But I just want to say, or actually remind myself that I don't need to be on the phone so much because there is life to be lived.

I want to do exciting things. Suggestions? :)

Soul Renovation

I keep really old pamphlets from sunday services in my bible, you know the ones that you felt were too well made to throw away and you feel to bad to throw it in the trash at the church so you tuck it away in your bible, or...maybe thats just me. I was going through the papers in my bible and I have the pamphlets from past retreats where I was a counselor, a couple of thank you letters from cabin girls, a bulletin from my friend's baptism with a small paragraph of their testimonies. It's feels good to have keepsakes of my life in there so I can reminiscence whenever I want. I've come such a long way.

I came across a flyer about soul renovation, some workshop that happened hella days ago and I didn't go to it but those words really stuck out to me. I think i'm at the place where my soul feels a bit weak, I think this is why my body has been so tired these past few days. I'm drained somewhere. Today I picked it up a bit but still, I need to rejuvenate myself. There at times in life where you need to stop, put your life in a still frame and observe. Right now, i'm not exactly pleased. In fact, i'm a little disappointed in myself. It's time to re-evaluate myself and work on self improvement. I want to be a better person. I want to care more, take more risks, invest in more people, invest in myself. I'm going to read more, get my brain working more and hopefully learn a thing or two about life.

I want to write more about my thoughts on things, but I got to get my shut eye to deal with waking up early for class tomorrow. Tired morning Tiffany is not fun. But anyways, change is around the corner. Let's do it.

Every Blessing You Pour Out, I'll Turn Back To Praise

I watched "Nine" recently. It wasn't really my type of movie and I didn't think it was all that great but one thing I took from it is that every girl likes to believe they're special by their man. That they're different from other girls and deserve to be treated differently, with more care. They don't like to be treated as, or thought of as the flavor of week. In the end, no one likes to think that they were like any other girl but instead they were special. Of course this is obvious information though, haha but it amazed me and displeased me how the main character treated his wife and every other girl. Women are meant to be treasured.

I believe God puts you in situations that He knows are testing your limits but still just enough for you to handle as long as you push yourself to. There have been a good amount of situations where I know my head didn't sit right, but I would just convince myself that it's okay and there is good in it. But in the end, I come out of the situation not by my complete choice. God knows better and He knows that i'm still not strong enough to defy my heart and listen to my head so He creates it so that the decision is half made for me and I must follow through. There's not so much as a choice, but obedience. And situations are only half of it, the acts and way you choose to deal with the situation says the most about you. I believe my character is best built in the way I handle things. No matter what, I always strive to take the high road and do things as maturely as I can so I can look back and say, "yeah that was the right thing to do, good job twong." I want to show that when it gets darker, I just shine even brighter. But I realize now that rather than dealing with the consequences, I need to first watch my actions. I don't want to have to do any more damage control. I'm tired of getting hurt and patching myself up. Instead of dealing with the aftermath of situations, i'm going to work on not even placing myself in these situations. I think i'm too naive about certain things and I look too positively about them. It's time to do it right. I want to stick to my ground and make the right choices upfront. But everything, i've gone through, I don't regret them. It's more accepting it for what it is, and to take a lesson and choose what you do with that experience. It's okay, everything is a learning process and I grow stronger. It's amazing how fast things can change and you're thrown into new situations with new goals and a new mindset, but you just gotta keep up and roll with the punches.

One day i'll meet the person that i'll fall in love with. He'll appreciate my horrible sense of humor that's a mix of lame, wacky & sometimes dirty and laugh at them. He'll fall in love with my good traits and love me even more for my flaws. And i'll do the same and learn to support him the best ways I can. And he will treat me like i'm the best thing that ever happened to him because I probably am, shun! hahaha just kidding. :) In the end, he'll be the one I just want to grow old with. And we'll be that cute, old shrunken asian couple you see that still holds hands when they go out. :) Until then..............single life, thas whats up! ;) haaaaaaaaaaa jokes jokes.

It's Called Being Human

i hate this feeling

i hate feeling weak. im a strong person, i really am. but sometimes i lead others on to think i'm stronger than i actually am. sometimes it is because of my pride, and sometimes it is because i care and don't want them to get hurt or feel bad in regards to me.

how can u discern whether or not you should care more for yourself?

when should you just deal and use the experience to make you stronger?

i think too many times i've chosen the latter and i'm really tired.

i hate to admit that i'm not that strong sometimes.