Pick Me Up & Let's Go Somewhere

Photo taken by the beautiful & talented Felicia

Waiting.

Sometimes when you're not sure about something, all you can do is wait. I'm waiting for something and I don't know what. Perhaps an opportunity to come and whisk me away. To sweep me away under the current, where I don't have any control. Sometimes control is unnecessary when you want to truly embrace an experience. Life at times can seem to be just routine and mundane, nothing is really a surprise. The same things happen in just different contexts. The same situation, with different people. Same same but different different. Not to say my friends bore me or anything because my friends are amazing. But we can't get too comfortable with life. Life and God has so much to offer and I want to take all that it has to offer. There is so much out there I don't know about. The raw humanness of the homeless. The sunrise on top of a mountain. How a computer is made from scratch. The sorrows of a single mother. The innocence in child's smile. The regrets of an unsuccessful gambler. Beautiful scenery. God's love and grace.

Breathless moments. Excitement. Adventure. Passion. Sadness. Beauty. Love.

There's a lot of experiences that I have yet to experience. Emotions for me to feel. Stories I have yet to hear. Stories I have yet to tell. People I have yet to meet. Ships of the friend I have yet to develop. Risks I have yet to take. And finding my personal legend.

I want it all. I don't want to miss out on anything or anyone.

It's Okay To Feel Pain

So I think i'm getting sick. The early symptoms are showing up where my throat starts to hurt more and more, i'm getting colder and my forehead feels a bit hot. I would like to take just a moment to shake my fist in the air (sadly not for fist pumping purposes) and yell "DAMN YOU RAIN!" All right, moving on...actually sometimes I don't mind being sick if it's not during finals week or anything real important. Being sick is like a humble reminder to be thankful for my health. It reminds me to be thankful I can breathe with both nostrils, and that I have energy to do fun things, and my throat doesn't feel like a midget's tiny hand is down there and that life is just so much better with good health. You experience the temporary pains to realize how good, the good is.

I realize that a common thing I do is that I really downplay my pains. I feel that yea what i'm going through does suck, but how can I really say that in comparison to some other people's struggles? Some people are going through so much more, or feel so much more pain that my heart goes out to them. My pains seem so insignificant in comparison and I feel guilty for even feeling sad about my pain. And on top of that, I think I refuse to let or even admit that these pains actually really do affect me. However I have to realize that my pains are my own and even though they may seem small...to me they are the only and therefore the biggest pains I have. God works through me through my own pains, and I can't and shouldn't compare my pains to another. Comparison if not done in a manner to motivate you, can really destruct you. Sometimes I get comments from friends who tell me that I am really strong, and while I am, don't let me fool you completely. While l won't let these things get the best of me and own me, i'm not actually that strong. I have my moments where I wish I could let my immaturity win and do whatever I want, but it's just that I really try to make the choice not to. I try to get over things by just logically thinking about how to take it all in and process it. Instead of admitting my hurt, I try to overcome it as fast as I can. But sometimes we're meant to go through the pain. My pains are not insignificant. It's time to embrace my own pain and not feel guilty about feeling that way. To be honest, things really aren't that bad at all, but I can't say that i'm not affected by it all. Doesn't matter cause God uses every situation. Let this be the catalyst for good things and changes to come.

Everything is in Your hands.

There's a positive to every negative.

Decisions, Decisons...

So turns out that Chinese New Years/Valentines day weekend is going to be a 4 day weekend for me. yayyyyyyyyyyy :) I don't have class on fridays and that monday I won't have class since it's President day. So I have 3 options.

Option 1: Vegas that weekend.

My friend and her friends are going and one of them have a condo there or something, so I could go and meet up. Except people are flying or coming from norcal, so I checked the flights and it'd be like $200 round trip for me. Even with the free stay, that's definitely not really worth it. Plus, i'll probably going after finals week in March for lily's birthday so shrugs* But Vegas would be fun though...

Option 2: Go back home to norcal.

My friend and I might just drive back up for the weekend. Talking about just the idea with her got me all giddy. I miss Chinese food and my doggie. And my parents really miss me and I miss them and just home in general cause otherwise I won't be home till Spring Break. And i'm Chinese, it's Chinese New Years and I love red envelopes! But who knows cause not a whole lot of people would be back home in norcal to kick it.

Option 3: Stay in socal, have dinner with kawana and just play with friends.

haha The original plan was to have dinner with my friend kawana on vday, but since it's a 4 day weekend, everything changes. haha jk! But it's okay cause I know he would love to go home too. :) But this would be fun and relaxing. & I really want to see the movie "Valentines Day"

Fickle minded I ams. Anyways, I have some major homework to do right now. :(

Someone choose for me! Kthanks!

Camaraderie

There is a definite sense of camaraderie in clubbing. Wingmans, groups of girls, they all have a pretty strong sense of camaraderie. For example just yesterday I went out and these 2 guys approached lily & me, and we weren't really down to dance with anyone tonight but to just have some fun and a chill night. The thing is as they swooped in from the front between us and started dancing, I tried to go back to lily and she too also tried to look for me, but the guy in front of me was really good at blocking me. Serious flashbacks of basketball, it was like he was playing man on man defense and I was tryna get at the hoop. They kept us apart of a good 10 seconds till I successfully evaded him through a quick move to the side, using other dancers as screens. That's camaraderie right there, guys going in wingman-ing for each other. So the crowd was pretty diverse crowd which was nice but the crowds basically just stuck to their own. haha Since we weren't going to dance with anyone, lily came up with the idea of dancing near the black guys cause they weren't going to dance with us so we wouldn't have to worry. Pretty good idea. haha That area was our little safe haven for awhile. We probably had the worst "i-dont-wanna-dance-with-you-so-please-leave" sign that night, we didn't even try to make it smooth because when people came up, we'd completely stop dancing and look to the side ceiling or something, so stupid but ey, whatevers. haha Girls really have a sense of camaraderie cause we look out for each other, and save each other. I think there's no better place to witness this than at a club. And i'm sure you boys have been testimonies of that. hahaha Casualties of the night: this one guy basically jumped on me in the front like a hug...but not really and took me completely off guard. So lily tried to pull him off and then he apparently pushed her off to grab me again but as he did that he apparently pushed her back and accidentally hit her in the eye? And then she got angry and told him and i'm not sure he understood cause he shrugged and left? I'm not sure, I was confused but either way, that is the worst. WTF? At least lily's got my back. Overall a pretty chill night and lily said she actually had a lot of fun cause the people there were pretty interesting.

Earlier in the day, my friend was visiting socal so I decided to go get kogi for lunch with her and we ended up waiting in line for the kogi truck for like freakin 3.5 hours and kogi was good but not 3.5 hours good. LE SIGH. It was at the point halfway that we invested so much time in it, that we couldn't leave. Mmm..then we went back to my apt and wolfed it down, then 85 degrees for some bread and pmt. Afterwards we met up with another friend for wine tasting. Now i don't really have an accuired taste for beer or wine so I don't really know how to appreciate it. You sit at the bar and they give you 10 different wines preselected in order for you to try for $25. And each taste is probably like a shots amount worth in the glass. Luckily I did not pay, because i'm not that huge of a wine person and probably my favorite thing was just eating the bread. Overall it was a pretty good day of new things.

i'm hungry now. haha

My Life Is Yours To Enter

As people we are constantly growing and maturing (well most of us haha). Placed in different situations, meeting different types of people or going to new or old places or even countries, it all matters. The Tiffany I am today is not the same Tiffany from high school. Nor am I the same Tiffany from freshman year college, or even the same Tiffany from this past summer. Not to say i'm a totally different person, but i'm constantly learning about people, things and myself and by default, am constantly changing. And in my fourth year of college, all these experiences have built me up to be the person that I am. And I like who I am. Better yet, I love who I am, was and am becoming. That's what really matters. How can you learn to love others, if you can not love yourself? I accept and love who I am. Being genuine and real is the basis of me on which I build everything on. Plus if I wanted to lie to others, i'd fail since i'm a terrible liar (unless for a good cause). What I am is what I want from others. Sometimes I don't know why people try to bring others down. We're made to edify and encourage each others. Some people become cynical and end up wallowing in their self depression, but why would you do that? Why look at negative side of things, when you can look at the positive? You always have a choice, and I think that's one of the most important things to remember. Even if a man were to point a gun at your head and told you to shoot the person in front of you, you still have the choice of whether or not to shoot the person, even though your life is at hand. Choices can be a blessing and also hurtful too. Sometimes I don't like having choices, like when I go to the ARC I like being told what to do, and how to work out. It's just easier. But we're called to make choices and make up our own life stories.

On that note, i'm setting short term goals for myself for this new year.

1. Cook majority of my meals at the apt.

2. Finish The Alchemist & Desiring God by the end of February. (Almost done with The Alchemist right now)

3. Call the parentals and grandma every Saturday or Sunday.

4. Drink a bottle of water a day.

5. Cut back on pmt & spending on unimportant things (i.e. clothes)

6. Devos at least 3x a week.

7. Be more encouraging to others & edify them.

8. Go to pump&sculpt or abs&thighs or step class at the ARC or just plain running once a week.

9. Blog everyday with pictures.

10. Go to disneyland more since I have an annual pass, who wants to go with me?!

11. Get a job so I can feel useful and get some monies.

12. Resist temptations.

Keep me accountable yeah?

Going through some frustrations, emotions but things are good overall. Just waiting for things to settle in my heart. God is the goal.

Rain, Rain Go Away

This morning I came back from class to this. If you can't read it, it says "caution: slippery floor" Lily's work of course. The rain was CRAZY outside today, trees were knocking over, the usually clean Irvine streets were so dirty, and people's umbrellas were capsizing everywhere which makes me sad :( partly because I am one of those people. le sigh. i'm such a weather baby.

all mixed up

What Can Say More Than A Picture?

Took this picture on my phone while walking to class one day.

I could say some things, but I choose not to as decisions are still mine to be made.

But this picture encompasses all that I feel at this moment.